TwiTopia: a land of dreams travel brochure
by Jaspers temptress
Summary: short lil' crackfic one shot about our fave twilight characters, co-written by TishPhoenix and myself after one too many late night phone calls...


Welcome to the fabulous island of Twi-Topia, indulge in your wildest fantasies with your favorite vamps, wolves and yes even those humans we love so much.

When you first arrive at Twi-Topia, you will be greeted by our resident pixie giving you the lowdown on who's who and what's what. You never know, she might divulge some dirty little secrets about what the future may bring, but whatever you do...DO NOT pay the pixie, she doesn't need it! Even if she says she sees it in her lil' crystal ball, DON'T pay her! Also, this is a BIG reminder, do not and we repeat, _DO NOT_ feed the pixie, she's hyper enough already.

For those of you with tykes of your own be sure to stop by Camp Grizzly and visit our resident game and wildlife Expert. As a big kid himself your lil' ones will have a roaring good time with Em. He may be intimidating but he is just a really big teddy bear. For some moms out there be forewarned, he may take you out on a nature trail and show you just how much of an _animal_ he can be.

Once the kiddies are at play make your way to the infamous Club Crimson and meet our resident bar tender, Caius. With drinks for all palettes this is sure to please old and young alike. He is known for his rather strong Bloody Mary's but watch how many you choose to consume for he hates to have any _liabilities_.

With your drink in hand make your way to our north shore to meet our lovely Beach Bunny, Rosalie. This walking talking siren will know just what to put you in to make the boys swoon and the girls green with Envy. Be careful not to make her break a nail or this Grecian goddess will quickly become your worst nightmare.

If you should be unfortunate enough to do this we have a full medical staff headed by Dr. Hot Bitch himself, Carlisle Cullen. As the saying goes and apple a day keeps the doctor away but with him as our resident doctor you will be quick surrender the forbidden fruit for something more pleasing to your… Be sure to set your appointment early for there is sure to be a line.

Now, if you want to relax after your long journey, venture to the Cullen-Combs where you'll hear the gothic sounds of a resident pianist, but you know him better as Edward Cullen, but beware broken hearts and tortured souls aren't for just anyone.

After a long day of activities, you might be a bit hungry and in some cases thirsty. For the best food and drink on the island, come on in to Café Esme. She will whip your favorite meals, desserts, and drinks in the matter of minutes. Once you've dined at Café Esme, you'll be coming back for seconds.

If you find yourself needing to work off all those calories consumed from your time at Café Esme, head on over to Felix's; where he can help you get hot sweaty. If some personal time with our boy isn't for you then there is a pack of personal trainers at your beck and call. Sam Paul Jared Embry, Jake, Quil, Seth or even Leah, can help with your every need.

If you feel the need to experience the nature and wildlife of our lil' paradise, be sure to look up our resident Hunters James and Demetri. You will be sure to experience the hunt of a lifetime. These bad boys are skilled at what they do. But if you aren't careful the hunter could easily become the prey.

For those of you seeking technological refuge head on over to the east shore, where you will find our fully staffed resource center headed by our beloved Eric "Dorky" Yorkie. With him and his assistants Angela, Ben, Mike and Tyler, you will be sure to find what you need. Even if that if that is your latest fix for fan vids. Fair warning to all that choose this activity, for double trouble is just around the corner with our resident pain in our asses, Jessica and Lauren.

If these girls cause you any trouble head straight to our justice department and ask for chief Swan. Armed with cuffs, a double barrel shotgun and traditional baton, he will right your wrongs to the full extent of the law. Even he isn't against a lil' fun though and loves playing "cops and robbers". Just relax and let Charlie take control.

Need a different kind of entertainment? Then make your way to the isle's lounge to catch a show from our resident wise ass, sarcastic, witty and somehow all knowing, entertainer. His good looks and charm are second only to our boy. Feisty and rowdy he is always game. His lovely assistant Char is up for anything. But know if you choose to play with her expect to get some Peter too!

Finally when the day is done and you need a little rest and relaxation, we have just the things for you. Head on over to our south shore and relax on the beach at twilight with a beautiful bonfire accompanied by the sweet southern sounds we all know and love; and yes the guitar sounds great too. Always the southern gentleman, he provides hours and hours of fun. The calming atmosphere is one of which dreams are made of. He certainly is in ours.

Finally to sum up our time here, in the center of the isle, we have the monument that started it all; the thing we all in some point or another pay homage too. Inside a stone walled temple is none other than the gloriously sculptured Italian marble, flecked throughout with diamond dust, it's the one, the only… _SPARKLE PEEN_! A perfectly hand crafted replica of our boy, you know there is nothing better! Its glow is nothing short of stunning and is a must see. The engraved text on the marble column supporting this massive sculpted piece of art reads

_Our Jasper,_

_Who art in Forks, _

_Hallowed be thy sparkles._

_When Thy comes, thy will be fast,_

_On this Earth as it is in the baseball field._

_Give you this day, our daily blood;_

_And forgive us our heartbeats,_

_As we worship Maria for giving you life._

_Lead us into temptation,_

_Deliver us to you._

_For thine is my vampire,_

_The emotions and the hotness,_

_Forever and ever._

For those that may have a preference all their own, there are separate adjoining rooms to the main hall; each room containing their own magical peen and theme. Twi-Topia has something for everyone and anyone. Our Isle is what dreams and fantasy are made of. Anything and everything can happen here. We hope you enjoy this trip and the many that are sure to come here after

Sincerely Yours,

The Ambassadors of Twi-Topia

* * *

**A/N: **_**just read the hilarity continues**_

**TishPhoenix:** Twi-Topia the land of sparkle peens and Jacksper dreams…*sighs*

**Jaspers Temptress:** where your fantasy becomes reality

**TishPhoenix:** well…we wish anyway…

**Jaspers Temptress:** some will stay, others, not so much

**TP:** ???what??? Discuss this fic with me goober! LOL

**JT:** Just having random thoughts inside my mind made me say that

**JT:** Twi-Topia, where you never want to leave

**TP**: I know I wouldn't want to LOL

**JT**: we never have to, it's our idea, and so it's always a Twi-Topia

**TP**: Well it was more or less your kinky Idea I just helped put it into words LOL

**JT**: that you did

**TP**: At least you didn't have me write out you man napping them LOL

**JT**: HA-HA true, thank god for that

**TP**: I think if we wrote that you would be locked in a padded room for sure LOL

**JT**: I don't know what to say, my mind is aimlessly wandering towards camp grizzly

**TP**: Where mine is wondering to the beach, and damn it don't you say Rosie, Rhoda LOL

**JT**: ha-ha but I'm the Mary! Ha-ha

**TP**: not this again….

**JT:** LOL I had too!

**TP:** Subject change… I had to add Caius in there LOL

**JT**: I totally agree, at least he's the better looking one of the three

**TP**: It wasn't even that LOL it was the trailer... how he goes from talking somewhat normally then goes lie-A-billa -taaay …. KIK

**JT**: LOL I still love that and we had to add Felix because of his muscles

**TP**: and I Demetri because *damn* Demetri is one fuck hot Britty-Boy!

**JT**: that accent drives me....well you get the drift

**TP**: If you want that accent go nab you Eddie! leave my V man alone LOL

**JT**: bitch please, I don't want Eddie...are you trying to turn me lesbian

**TP**: Oh that works perfectly go snatch Alice and while you to have fun in the bushes I can play with Jasper!!

**JT**: LOL, I love the pixie, just not when she's being mean to Jasper

**TP:** okay enough about our men, what do you like most about this crazy crackfic brochure LOL

**JT:** do not feed the pixie, that's one of em', camp grizzly because I need some time with the manly man and I absolutely love the Cullen-Combs, that's just a place I plan to stay away from

**TP:** I am with you there I would stay on south beach all day with Jazz man

**JT:** he can serenade you all day loooooooooong

**TP**: MmmHmmm….

**JT:** you know that's what you wanted to hear

**TP**: Just like you want to see how a certain monkey man swings?

**JT**: damn straight…

**TP**: Okay well enough on our men, back to the fic. Hope you all enjoyed the fic as it was a trip inside our crazy ass minds aka "Ang's perverted lil' bubble".

**JT**: here here! I second that

**TP**: as always if you read it review it

**JT**: and if you're lucky we'll give you a golden ticket to join us on our Island

**TP** & **JT**: well, we better be going for now. We need to get back to _"business"_ on the island. Hope you enjoyed our lil' crackfic and please don't take it too seriously.

**TP:** _*waves goodbye then runs off into the sunset on the south beach*_

**JT:** _*runs to the forest to wait for her monkey man screaming BYEEEEE*_


End file.
